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Sun Belt Heat 4: Much Better Than Superman 4

Full disclosure: I've never seen Superman 4. As far as I know, Superman 4 brings the heat. I'm assuming it does not, though. I recall something about a "quest for peace" and a fistfight on the moon. If anybody would like to post a review of Superman 4 in the comments section, be my guest.

Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

The Sun Belt went a blistering 4-4 in Week 3, adding to its hot unbeaten streak against FCS competition. Nice work, South Alabama, for traveling all the way to San Diego State to deliver a come-from-behind baking of the Aztecs. As for you, New Mexico State, you had one job, and that was to fry UTEP. And you failed.

Meanwhile, the Idaho faithful don't seem too nuts for Paul Petrino's winning effort against Wofford. Daaaaaamn. I'd advise the Vandals to chill, but there's just too much of dat sweet #SunBeltHeat.

It's Week 4 of Sun Belt Heat, yo! Don't read too closely because you will likely burst into flames. Remember, Sun Belt Heat is calculated using the following sorcery and science:

P5 Condescension x ESPN3 + Righteous Fury / "Any given Saturday" = SUN BELT HEAT

Appalachian State vs. Old Dominion, September 26, 2:30 PM CST

Chance For Winning (ESPN FPI): 78.8%

Old Dominion is a third of the way to bowl eligibility, but that train comes to a grinding halt when the Mountaineers come to town (looking to barter their Adirondack furniture for barrels of flower and kegs of molasses). App, rested from an early bye week, is still living off its brutal shutout win against Howard, which is far preferable than reliving the nightmare of losing so handedly to Clemson. Forget Clemson! Sit in this rocking chair sewn out of twigs and raccoon bones and feel that #SunBeltHeat!

Sun Belt Heat Index: 10% plus a ridiculous 5% markup for a chandelier made out of antlers

Adjusted Chance for Winning: 93.8%

ULM vs. #12 Alabama, September 26, 3:00 PM CST, SEC Network

Chance For Winning (ESPN FPI): 1.7%

Alabama was crotch-punched by Ole Miss on Saturday, so they're probably not interested in playing football anymore. Just waiting for hoops! Also, the Tide saw the merciless beatdown ULM delivered to Nicholls State, so I imagine many of Alabama's highly recruited starters will be faking injuries to avoid the massacre. And remember, ULM already gave Alabama and Nick Saban one terrible beating. The Tide might not even make it out of the tunnel for this one.

Sun Belt Heat Index: 20% multiplied 5 times for sheer intimidation

Adjusted Chance for Winning: 101.7%

Akron vs. ULL, September 26, 6:00 PM CST, ESPN 3

Chance For Winning (ESPN FPI): 87.1%

As we all know, Mark Hudspeth is the Universe's Strongest Head Coach, which means he'll likely challenge and demoralize the entire Akron offense to one of those World's Strongest Man events, like Atlas Stones or Keg Toss. And if that doesn't work, he'll just run Elijah McGuire for sixty minutes while chugging protein shakes. That sounds kind of lazy, but it's not about the weight, it's about reps. Look for McGuire to get about 20 carries and 20 touchdowns.

Sun Belt Heat Index: 3% minus .1% because muscles and math don't mix

Adjusted Chance for Winning: 90%

Arkansas State vs. Toledo, September 26, 6:00 PM CST, ESPN 3

Chance For Winning (ESPN FPI): 32.5%

Last time these titans clashed, the teams combined for 1000 yards of offense and 107 points at the 2015 GoDaddy Bowl. Kareem Hunt and the Rockets came out on top, but that was against a Red Wolves team decimated by injuries. This time, Toledo faces a Red Wolves team only kinda decimated by injuries! A sore Fredi Knighten looks for revenge against a new look Toledo Rockets who gave Arkansas and Iowa State reasons to hate life.

Sun Belt Heat Index: 30% Sun Belt Heat + 30% Cold Revenge

Adjusted Chance for Winning: 92.5%

North Carolina State vs. South Alabama, September 26, 7:00 PM CST, ESPNN

Chance For Winning (ESPN FPI): 5.8%

What the hell is ESPNN? I dunno. What I do know is that the Ladd Peebles parking lot is shockingly under-lit and NC State may have to forfeit after getting lost in Section C. This is a good Jaguar strategy, but not the only one afforded to Joey Jones, who's coming off a big win at San Diego State this week. If the team isn't jet lagged (or also lost in the stadium parking lot), count on the Jags to deliver a second week of white hot #SunBeltHeat!

Sun Belt Heat Index: 75% plus 0.2% for the blast of #SunBeltHeat NC State already absorbed from Troy

Adjusted Chance for Winning: 81%

Texas State vs. Houston, September 26, 7:00 PM CST, ESPN 3

Chance For Winning (ESPN FPI): 20.2%

So much Lone Star in this game, cowboys! Houston, as you well know, was named for Sam Houston who invented barbershop quartets in the 1920s. Texas State is named for Colonel T State, who was the first documented man to wear a bolo tie at a wedding. Both programs bring their storied histories to an in-state donnybrook that promises lots of haymakers. The deciding factor in this duel? Yep, #SunBeltHeat

Sun Belt Heat Index: 66% minus 6% if somebody fact checks my history

Adjusted Chance for Winning: 80.2%

Georgia Southern vs. Idaho, September 26, 8:00 PM CST, ESPN3

Egon Spengler: There's something very important I forgot to tell you.
Peter Venkman: What?
Spengler: Don't cross the streams.
Venkman: Why?
Spengler: It would be bad.
Venkman: I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, "bad"?
Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Ray Stantz: Total protonic reversal!
Venkman: Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.