Just let you inner Blake Anderson shine.
As they did in 2013, the Arkansas State Red Wolves have decided to use their upcoming April 17 spring game to give back to their fans.
That's right. Once again this year, the Red Wolves Foundation is raising money by auctioning off its head coaching position for the team's spring game. Readers who are lucky enough to have a few dollars saved can submit a bid for the event here.
Because I am not one of those, but because I am the A-State beat writer here, I will list a few of my favorite things from the eBay ad.
Coach Against Your Friend
The powers that be in Jonesboro will let you bring your friend to coach against you if you submit the winning bid. And you better win, because it won't be your friend who will have paid all this money.
Give The Pep Talk
File this one under the "Sounds good until you actually have to pull it off" category. We know all about the prowess of the Billy Bob Thornton's and the Al Pacino's and the Matthew McConaughey's of the world, but those are movies and this is real life. Though it may feel like a dream and a movie, I assure you that this is very much real life and that odds are that rather than motivate and inspire, you'll be nervous, lose your train of thought and stumble through a few sentences. (Or maybe it's just me.)
If you absolutely must, however, might I suggest one fake motivational speech that continually gets overlooked? Just wear your Shane Falco/Keanu Reeves mask while you do your thing. Brevity is its own virtue.
Will Your Team Go For It?
There is only one right answer for this one and it is a resounding "Yes." Other than the fact that punting and special teams are the least entertaining parts of a football game, the fan coach who wins this auction has to treat this game as he/she would just like any other game. Let's bring out the double-barreled #badpun here: you play to win the game and you play how you practice.
It is the duty of this one-day coach to leave his offensive unit on the field. Coach Anderson preaches that an offense shouldn't refrain from making reckless decisions on fourth down, and neither should you.
A Powerade Bath
This is every little football fan's dream as he/she is growing up, to one day win a game and receive the Powerade bath. (I personally have had this dream since I was 9, but it's always been with Gatorade. No, that is not the reason why I am not bidding on this opportunity.)
As in, why does A-State do this again? There are many great reasons. Because it's the right thing to do when there's little football excitement in the thick of the offseason, because it's great publicity and because the A-State fans, like literally every fan base that ever was, are the best in the world. (Mostly because, yes, it's a relatively harmless exercise that pays off big with the football gods.)
You're never going to have this much time to bid on the auction. By now, as I am writing this, only three days and 16 hours remain. And by the time you read this, you will have only three days and one hour to make a bid. It's currently at US$8,100 and it is rising quickly. Last year, the winning bid was for $11,700 and this year, it will (likely) be even higher.
What are you waiting for?