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Bottom (Power) 5: Is anyone in Texas allowed to play good football?

A look at all that is wrong from the P5 world of college football in Week 1.

Maryland v Texas
Texas leads the Big XII in inept Week One performances.
Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images

In celebration of ESPN’s “Bottom 10” article, we here at Underdog Dynasty thought it would be fun to put a spin on the article and make fun of our Power 5 brethren.

Fair warning, I may not have the wit of Ryan McGee from ESPN, but I’ll try my best!

So, without further ado, and with apologies to the Power 5 (not really) and Ryan McGee, here are the most laughable parts of Power 5 football from week 1.

1. The Texas Triangle of Despair

The state of Texas has a lot of big colleges and is known as the state of football so when one Power 5 team from this state loses, they usually have three or four more that don’t to balance it out. So what happens when not one, not two, but THREE Power 5 teams from Texas lose in the same weekend? Well, I think everyone loses their minds.

Texas’ loss proves once and for all that their top 25 ranking was a sham but that isn’t totally a surprise. The surprise here is that the worst loss from a Texas team wasn’t when Baylor lost to FCS Liberty at home 48-45, but the next day when Texas A&M took the field.

Up by 34 points in the 3rd quarter, Texas A&M decided to quit playing and lost to Josh Rosen and the UCLA Bruins 45-44. The game was the second biggest comeback ever and you could see that head coach Kevin Sumlin had fear on his face at the end of it. What a joy!

The loss already has people calling for his dismissal and CFB Reddit has termed these three schools the “Triangle of Despair.”

2. Kevin Sum-where else

Speaking of Texas A&M, their coach is on fire this week. Not because of his team’s play, but because of his seat. The Aggies were up by 34 points and lost to UCLA, granted they lost their QB, but there is no excuse for that.

I don’t know if you watched the game but you could tell Sumlin wasn’t present. He did not know what to do and that is why we will be seeing him coaching Sum-where else next fall.

3. Power 5 “Defenses”

I’ve got a knock knock joke for you. “Knock, knock.” Who’s there? “Power 5 Defenses,” Power 5 Defenses who? *Goes to door...nobody’s there.

Get it?

Sure you do! Look at all the scores from P5 games this week! If you aren’t Alabama or Clemson, or any handful of teams this week, you know that defenses almost don’t exist anymore.

For instance, Missouri gave up 43 points to FCS Missouri State(!), Oregon State gave up 58 to Colorado State and 32 to FCS Portland State! Worst of all, Baylor gave up 48 to Liberty! The list goes on and on.

I’d offer to sit and wait for a good P5 defense to come knocking on my door but I think I’d be there all season, so I’ll have to “pass” on that. Get it?

Arkansas v Missouri
Funny, I had that same look on my face watching Mizzou’s “D”
Photo by Ed Zurga/Getty Images

4. Coaching Debuts

Wanna be a head coach in the P5? Did you say yes?

How about after Week 1?

The first game for many new P5 coaches didn’t go quite according to plan. Tom Herman’s squad gave up 51 points in a loss and Matt Rhule’s team let an FCS team hang 48! Other non-P5 teams had less than inspiring performances in their head coaches first games as well. Which will maybe make you think twice before taking a bigger paycheck.

5. Injuries and Cramps

The NCAA needs to send out that old Gatorade commercial that explained how Gatorade saved the Florida Gators from cramping because obviously team nutritionists haven’t gotten the memo.

Maryland v Texas
Please, eat some bananas next week boys.
Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images


I don’t know how many times the games were stopped this weekend because players were cramping up after plays. Sure, it was hot, but players should know that they need to prepare and be hydrated BEFORE the game to ensure smooth sailing.

Now, I know injuries aren’t a laughing matter but I just wanted to point out how many there were this weekend. I won’t list any here, but it won’t be difficult to find any of them.

So there you have it. The first edition of the Bottom (Power) 5 for the 2017 season. Make sure to check back next week for another addition and let us know if we missed anything!