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Bottom (Power) 5: Welcome, Midwesterners

The Big 10 has overtaken the list while Baylor remains at da top.

Northern Illinois v Nebraska
Mike Riley after losing to NIU: “We lost....dang.”
Photo by Steven Branscombe/Getty Images

Against my own advice, I traveled into downtown Waco last Saturday night to see what the atmosphere would be like after da Beers fell to 0-3 with a 34-20 loss at Duke.

What I found was worse than I had imagined. People were complaining, beer was being consumed, tables and chairs were being thrown, and some fool opened his mouth and said something about the Beers he shouldn’t, resulting in a swift punch to the face.

That fool was me.

I immediately blacked out and awoke in a strange land. Nebraska lost to a MAC team, Illinois lost a game with 30 penalties and Tennessee lost on a last second Hail Mary after one of the worst defensive play calls ever.

Then I checked my phone and realized it was real life. What I thought was a punch was just the result of one too many shots that left me dizzy and blurrily watching the bar’s TV screens. While embarrassing, it did provide me with a nice story for Week 3’s Bottom (Power) 5.

With apologies to Waco bar owners and Ryan McGee, here’s this week’s Bottom (Power) 5.

1. Baylor Beers

Ya know that scene in Anchorman where Will Ferrell says “I immediately regret this decision”?

Well, I did some digging around in IMDB’s database and found out that that quote is based on the career choices of Matt Rhule, who after falling to 0-3 on the season, made that remark and tried to get his old job back with the Owls. They declined.

Things aren’t looking up for Matt Rhule’s Beers either, as their next five games are against OU, K-State, OK State, WVU, and Texas. I can only imagine Rhule’s reaction to reading this in his office...(Just replace milk with Temple)

2. Nebraska Corn-Aw Schucks!-ers

Speaking of bad choices, Nebraska fans and even their AD are starting to figure out that Mike Riley and his coaching staff were a horrible choice. The Cornhuskers, and fellow Todd McShay Projected 1st rounder Tanner Lee, only managed 17 points (but two pick-6’s(!)) in their 21-17 loss to Northern Illinois.

A little birdie told me Tanner went to the sidelines and watched the NIU defenders take his throw back to the house while he practiced his Midwestern Accent with various “Aw-Schucks” exercises.

To make matters even worse, Nebraska paid NIU $820,000 only to see their “for-sure-win bet” backfire on them like a desperate man in Vegas.

3. Illn-Eiii NO!

Some people might disagree with this choice (just kidding nobody actually reads this). I mean, a bad Big 10 team lost to a really good USF team away from home. That was what was expected, right? Sure.

The real reason I put Illinois here is because, well, they did lose, and badly I might add, but they also contributed in the game’s 30 total penalties. In fact, the game set a new record for most penalties in a first half in NCAA history.

That’s no joke. Go ahead and Google it!

Fans in the Champagin room just sat around drinking and watching the yellow flag fly. During one play they began chanting “Illinois” only to see another flag fly. Their chant suddenly became “Illi-Eiii NO! Not another flag!” I wonder if they’ll introduce that chant at homecoming...

4. Power Outages

Call it a blast from the past, call it nostalgia, call it the reason for the San Diego Chargers moving to Los Angeles. Either way, Qualcomm Stadium’s lights went out last Saturday during the Stanford-SDSU game.

Stanford v San Diego State
Oh boy...not this again...
Photo by Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images

Although the game was only delayed 25 minutes, it gave us a chance to realize how desperately that stadium needs to be repaired. It also gave us a chance to realize how poorly Stanford is playing and see what is really meant by #Pac12AfterDark.

Look out Pac-12 (NOT). Someone there must still have Christian McCaffrey’s number on speed dial. Cause they might need to give him a call.

5. Tennessee’s Defensive Playcalling

Even more embarrassing than the garbage can on the sidelines of Tennessee’s season opener was the playcalling on the last play of the Florida-Tennessee game. Tied at 20 with a few seconds left in the game, Tennessee decided not to call a Prevent Defense package.

Tennessee v Florida
Next time Tennessee, put all your men on the goal line. You may have a shot that way.
Photo by Scott Halleran/Getty Images

Instead, they called some form of Cover-2 in which their safeties were suppose to follow the receivers deep.

Instead, the safeties tried to read the quarterback’s eyes and got beat, resulting in another embarrassment for Peyton Manning’s alma mater.

Sorry Peyton, but The Rocky Top just tipped over.

So there you have it. This week’s Bottom (Power) 5. Here’s to another week of futility and hilariousness in the “Power” 5. It should be a doozy now that conference play is starting.

*Devilishly rubs hands together like an evil cartoon character.