In our most recent C-USA mailbag, we received this question:
If you were to simulate the CUSA season where every position on every team is played by a clone of that teams mascot, who would be champion?— Ol' Good Eyes Joel (@JoelTheTailor) June 7, 2017
It got the brain juices flowing and made me wonder: what if we made a single team from the C-USA mascots? What position would each mascot play? Let’s take a crack at this.
(Yes, this is an offseason post. Sue me. 76 days y’all.)
Quarterback - Monarch (Old Dominion)
The quarterback is the leader of the offense. So who better to put in charge than a literal king? The lion part of the “Monarch” could symbolize bravery, such as the bravery to sit in the pocket despite pressure and deliver a perfect pass even while getting drilled.
Running Backs - Thundering Herd (Marshall) and Blue Raider (Middle Tennessee)
These two provide the perfect one-two punch, a real THUNDER and LIGHTNING approach. (Lol, get it? Yes, I am proud of myself.) A single bison, much less a herd, provides the perfect source of power to run over defenders and push the pile. Meanwhile, MTSU’s Lightning has enough size to push past people if needed, but also has the speed to serve the speed back role and just flat out leave people in the dust.
Wide Receivers - Golden Eagles (Southern Miss) and Roadrunners (UTSA)
This pair of birds have the ability to fly* all over the field and leave people in the dust, weave through traffic, and make some plays. Roadrunners are small, you say? Perfect slot receiver! Watch your ankles.
*Yes, I am aware roadrunners are flightless. Don’t overthink the pun.
Tight End - Blazers (UAB)
True dual role here. A dragon is large enough to get in the way and throw some solid blocks, but can also fly all over the field and make some fire catches.
Offensive Line - Hilltoppers (WKU)
Since I’m not entirely sure what a hilltopper actually is, I’m just going to stick with Big Red. He makes a perfect offensive lineman. He doesn’t need to be fast or nimble, just big and heavy. As it turns out, he may actually be the heaviest mascot in all of FBS.
Defensive Line - Mean Green (North Texas)
In honor of defensive tackle Mean Joe Greene, of course the Mean Green have to be the defensive line. Got a problem with that? Talk to the four super bowl rings and 10 pro bowls.
Linebackers - Bulldogs (Louisiana Tech) and Panthers (FIU)
Dawgs and panthers. They’ve got enough bite to put an end to any play. Panthers especially can patrol around the middle of the field, and you don’t want to enter either’s territory.
Cornerbacks - Miners (UTEP) and 49ers (Charlotte)
Miners and 49ers are the perfect guys to get interceptions. Why, you ask? Simple. What are their primary tools? Pickaxes. PICKS!
Safety - Owls (Rice and Florida Atlantic)
Owls have a great range of vision, and can easily see the whole field. Add in the wisdom to make smart choices in coverage and you’ve got the perfect pair of safeties.