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Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte

The time has come to get real.

Florida International v Charlotte Photo by Mike Comer/Getty Images

Listen Charlotte, we’ve had a nice thing going here and anyone with proper manners would have learned the pecking order by now. It starts in Western Kentucky and it curves through Southern Mississippi. Got that?

Even a newcomer like you should already have known!

So why are you now thinking that you have somehow risen to our level so soon after joining our CUSA group?

You know what I think, sweet Charlotte? I think it’s time you just settle down some.

Stop interrupting what we had planned and, above all, don’t think that your silly 3-2 conference record means anything to us. If you think that, then it’s even more reason for you to just take your place at the end of the line like any other newcomer would.

And dear Charlotte, be mindful that some of us have been here for over 100 years! We’ve paid our dues. Some of us have hardly ever seen bowls yet you think you should just come in here and grab one now? Hell, we didn’t suffer to pave the way for someone like you who isn’t even two!

We've battled for bowls. We’ve suffered and done without. We’ve suffered the days of the Cigar Bowl (1954), the Salad Bowl (1955), and the Refrigerator Bowl (1956). And what for? So that you can come here and tell us of whispers that the folks in Birmingham are thinking of breaking up with their San Antonio sweetheart to take up with you instead?

Yes, we know you built fancy new digs with modern gadgets, but can’t you see how those lose luster in the shadows of our historic façades?

And yes, we know about head coach Brad Lambert. We’ve heard of him for years and I suppose you think we’re jealous. Hardly. In fact, we’re suspicious! Rumors have it that you went to the boonies and stole him from Wake Forest. A measly $250,000?

You see sweet Charlotte, around these parts, we call that larceny.

All too soon Mr. Lambert will learn that his sweet Charlotte has a history. Oh yes! Don’t think we didn’t know! You had a fling with this football thing once before, now didn’t you? Back in the ‘40’s. Such a tawdry mess, wasn’t it. And, it certainly didn’t last long, did it?

If it didn’t work then, why do you think it will work now?

The time has come for you to sidle on over and sit in the shadows and stop this silly nonsense that maybe your time has come to join the dance.

No sweet Charlotte. Instead, the time has come for you to put an end to your crazy bowl delusions and for heaven’s sake, stop creating such a ruckus for those of us that have earned our right to bowl games by merely existing for decades and decades.

Hush, sweet Charlotte.