It's fall camp time, which means your favorite team is the best and will finish 3-4 wins above expectations this year! Except they probably won't, so let's talk about what happens when college athletes don't work like a well-oiled machine and coaches lose their minds and things go horribly wrong (as inspired by EDSBS).
ARKANSAS STATE: A week before kickoff, Blake Anderson is transported away by the SEC West Death Star that has its tractor beam permanently fixed on Jonesboro. In his spirit-filled grief, A-State's athletic director Jason Martin (WHO HAS BEEN RECENTLY PROMOTED BECAUSE SUSPENDING DISBELIEF IS IMPORTANT) looks for Anderson's replacement while wearing the Red Wolf mascot head. Since the wolf's eyes are in a permanent squint, Martin can barely see two feet in front of him.
Arkansas State ends up hiring one Urban L. Sabanbaugh, who is actually just John L. Smith rocking a pornstache.
APPALACHIAN STATE: The scene is Boone, NC. Thursday, October 22, 2015. Pregame. 6-0 Appalachian State vs. 6-0 Georgia Southern, live on ESPN.
"It's not you, Scott. The gnats made me do it." Willie Fritz gently tells Scott Satterfield, who lies on the locker room floor in excruciating agony.
*COUGH* "ww--where did you get this shi--"
"Sam Houston. The maximum security prison. They don't call it the Huntsville Hemlock for nothing."
*wheeze* "You son of a bitch."
"Scott, I want you to just remember one thing before you slip from consciousness."
"Even though your body is going cold, cold, cold, Georgia Southern is HOT HOT HOT"
GEORGIA SOUTHERN: A miraculous 11-0 season has the Eagles on the verge of becoming the first Group of Five school in history to receive a playoff bid. Yet as he's faced with a case of chronic giardiasis, Willie Fritz's doctor orders him to stop drinking water straight out of Eagle Creek. An ever-present cloud of sentient and oddly murderous gnats fades from his vision, and his faculties and conscience suddenly return. Fritz immediately turns himself into the Statesboro police for the then-unsolved poisoning of Scott Satterfield. Interim head coach Brian VanGorder and Georgia Southern lose to Georgia State the next day by 60.
Georgia State plays a football game Georgia State takes the field Georgia State starts a football program
Georgia State loses to Charlotte.
IDAHO: The Vandals are 5 minutes away from bowl eligibility in Moscow against Dennis Franchione and a Texas State squad that's inexplicably lining up tight ends and fullbacks at every single position. Then the true purpose of the Kibbie Dome is revealed, as the roof opens and the turf parts to reveal an ICBM stored below. Which is then launched straight towards the other Moscow. Paul Petrino is seen throwing a trident at a local beat reporter tweeting about how ICBMs and the inevitable nuclear holocaust could hurt Idaho's recruiting.
LOUISIANA-LAFAYETTE: For once, the alligator pins and devours Mark Hudspeth, not the other way around.
LOUISIANA-MONROE: The talking alligator stares at Todd Berry and says "Some days we are the alligator. Some days we are the food. Sometimes we are reincarnated as alligators. But what you really need to know is that I can bench more than you."
"Oh, by the way I ate your whole defense. #GEAUXCAJUNS #HOLDTHEROPE"
NEW MEXICO STATE: Driven mad by a 1-5 start to the season, Doug Martin takes the field against Idaho with Aggievision playing in his headset as he holds a detailed copy of the New Mexico State drinking game. By the third quarter, the entire state of New Mexico is out of tequila.
SOUTH ALABAMA: One hour before the 2015 season kickoff, UAB President and failed Statler and Waldorf auditioner Ray Watts strolls out to midfield in Mobile. He produces a signed edict from the Alabama governor and legislature declaring "all non-Auburn universities within the state will be governed under the purview of benevolent emperor Nick Saban ROW TAHD." Watts smiles grimly and tells the crowd "Unfortunately, due to economic realities, we must shut down South Alabama football. This was a hard decision for all of us and we will be here to help all of you with this difficult transition."
"Also, your mother never loved you and your childhood dog wasn't sent to a farm. I ran him over with my Excursion."
TEXAS STATE: "Criticize the best athletic director in the Sun Belt, will you?" whispers Larry Teis, standing stiffly in front of the Bobcat Stadium circuit breaker. "Want to question my salary? I'll show you fiscal responsibility, you ingrates. Let's see what happens when we don't have to pay electric bills anymore." Texas State somehow miraculously finishes the season 9-3, but is left out of a bowl game anyway as committees cite fans not showing up to a darkened stadium as "the opposite of Frantastic."
TROY: Neal Brown finally realizes he's in the middle of nowhere in Alabama instead of an all expenses paid historical reenactment of the rescue of Helen on the sunny shores of Greece. Out of spite, he constructs a three-story-high wooden horse at midfield of Veterans Memorial stadium, destroys the wheels, and quits on the spot.