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The 2015 CUSA Worst-Case Conference Preview

No really, everything is terrible and no one is happy.

The Absolute Worst 2015 CUSA Preview, where Sean Kugler is sick of all this PC crap
The Absolute Worst 2015 CUSA Preview, where Sean Kugler is sick of all this PC crap
Ivan Pierre Aguirre-USA TODAY Sports

Inspired by this awful, no good preview of the Big Ten, I decided to dream up the absolute worst CUSA season I could imagine. Let me know how things could possibly be any worse in the comments section.

Charlotte - An 0-12 season is low-lighted by a last second loss to Georgia State in Atlanta. CUSA trades Charlotte to Karl Benson and the Sunbelt in exchange for the rights to call up Appalachian State in 2021.

FAU - Jaquez Johnson leads the Owls to an amazing home upset over Miami to start the season 4-0 before a rogue wave washes through the stadium during the Rice game, causing FAU to forfeit. The conference loss causes FAU to miss a conference championship bid despite a win over Marshall.

FIU - AD Pete Garcia repeats history by mysteriously firing Ron Turner mid season. Say hello to your new head coach, Panther fans.

LA Tech - Skip Holtz's petition to allow Louisana Tech receivers to wear their opponents' jerseys is denied, causing Jeff Driskel to set a new school record for interceptions in a season. Thankfully, Kenneth Dixon racks up 2,000 rushing yards to lead the Bulldogs to another conference championship game. Bulldog fans joy won't last too long, as the Duck Dynasty family officially declares their allegiance to ULM, sparking one of the greatest Internet flame wars in state history.

Marshall - Good news! Marshall goes undefeated! Bad news! 96 Marshall fans are arrested after storming the College Football Playoffs offices after a one-loss Boise State steals the G5 bid for the playoffs. The Herd go on to lose to West Virginia in the Heart of Dallas Bowl, causing even more Marshall fans to run into trouble with the law. #FreeMarshall

Old Dominion - ODU has an up-and-down season but things take an embarrassing turn after their new Under Armor uniforms begin to tear apart in week seven. The Monarchs look to ironically have regressed to cocoons after being forced to play with their jerseys wrapped up in athletic tape.

MTSU - In a series of freak events, the Blue Raiders shock Alabama in Tuscaloosa, causing Paul Finebaum's radio show to transcend into radio heaven the following Monday. Irate Bama fans slip laxatives into water bottles in the MTSU training room, causing several key players to miss their bowl game.

UNT - It turns out these tweets were more than just a bad photoshop. Unable to find a solid option at quarterback, the Mean Green begin to experiment with genetic mutation. UNT is able to make it through four games with a 7'5" tight end before word gets out to the NCAA.

Rice - After thirty Rice players leave the team to create a virtual reality startup called Rizzly the Owls turn to the wishbone offense to stay competitive in CUSA West. Rizzly secures a jaw-dropping $75 million in Series A funding.

USM - Finally some good news-- Southern Miss's aggressive courting of transfers proves to be successful as USM returns to relevance in 2015. USM enjoys a free win after Mississippi State athletes are caught throwing the game against USM in order to receive free jewelry.

UTEP - The Miners struggle to open up the offense in 2015 but the Miners enjoy a week of popularity in the media after head coach Sean Kugler calls Kliff Kingsbury a "smooth-handed fairy" in his post-game conference after a loss to Texas Tech.

UTSA - Plagued by injuries to the offensive line, UTSA rebuilds up front by hosting a series of tryouts for local fat guys. Contestants must finish an order of King Kong nachos before being considered.

WKU - The Hilltoppers are not able to hold off Marshall for control of CUSA East but WKU manages to win the Bahamas Bowl this time around after the Toppers' deep snapper pulls off an incredible fourth down conversion by bouncing a snap off the punter's helmet to a wide open Jared Dangerfield for a crucial first down.