We all have our own little slices of weird in the Sun Belt Conference. As we've mentioned countless times, Idaho plays in an aircraft hangar. Louisiana has a coach that probably catches alligators with his bare hands. Texas State has a body farm. But one of the most under appreciated bastions of strangeness is located in Las Cruces, New Mexico.
NMSU is about an hour northwest of garden spot El Paso and about an hour west from where the first atomic bomb was ever tested at a missile range where they close the national monument and the US highway when they shoot off their giant phallic symbols of war. The Aggies have a completely dormant football program that hasn't gone to any sort of postseason game since 1960, the longest streak in FBS.
New Mexico State Aggies football is quite possibly the saddest program in all of Division 1, which means that any diehard NMSU fan (saints that they are) should probably have an average BAC of zero point DRUNJ.
In fact, NMSU's fight song appears to be an ode to their perpetual state of plastered-ness.
Aggies, oh Aggies
the hills send back the cry
we're here to do or die!
Aggies, oh Aggies
We'll win this game or know the reason why
And when we win this game
We'll buy a keg of booze
And we'll drink to the Aggies
'Til we wobble in our shoes
I'd say give your Aggie friends a hug the next time you see them, but you can't since New Mexico doesn't exist, and I would know since I was just there a week ago. New Mexico is a western-themed Holodeck on the USS Enterprise* that's somehow occupied a time rift formed by the collision of the flatulence caused by every Arizona resident eating at Chili's and west Texas receiving the backwash of all that Lone Star hubris.
Sitting smack in the middle of this marginally effective quaaludes trip is Aggievision. But what is Aggievision?
Why, it is your ticket to bottom of the barrel FBS football excitement and some of the most unintentionally hilarious sports announcing you'll ever see on television.
Oh, but you think this is merely two announcers baffled by college football shenanigans gone wrong. Stay your sympathy, dear readers.
Just watch the first few minutes of this game. No, seriously. It'll change your life.
"Danny, we've seen some shit."
I'm sympathetic to the tribulations of sports announcers. I was in student radio once, and announcing is hard. The production value of AggieVision is also rough because it's in-house and (reportedly) mostly student-based, so much like KTSW FM at Texas State it's an easy target for critics.
That said, these announcers are grown ass men who have been at this for at least a couple of years. The play-by-play guy has done broadcasting at NMSU since 2006. So since they're of drinking age and most of NMSU is already drunk as it is, let's go ahead and create a drinking game in their honor.
Author's note: Please don't actually play this game since I don't hate you and I don't want you to die.
- When you hear "Eggies," take a sip and only a tiny sip. Pacing yourself is important.
- If an opposing player's name is pronounced incorrectly, take a drink.
- When you see a press box window that's so dirty it looks like it came off the set of Grapes of Wrath, take a drink. (edit: okay so those are sun shades but take a drink anyway)
- If an opposing player's name is so badly mangled to the point where it sounds vaguely middle eastern, take two drinks.
- When down and distance gets stuck on the wrong numbers for multiple plays, put on a fake mustache and prance around the room as if you're riding a horse. Call your designated driver and beg them to come back since you're already feeling lonely and dead inside.
- When the announcers accidentally say that NMSU has a winning record, take a shot.
- When the announcers completely miss an obvious penalty call and go silent with dumbfounded confusion for 10 seconds, take two shots.
- If an opposing player's name is pronounced incorrectly well into the fourth quarter, finish your drink.
- When New Mexico State has a reasonable shot at a comeback in a one possession game and the announcers seem to think the game's over until they suddenly realize the game's still in doubt with about 5 seconds left, congratulations! You've somehow made it to the 4th quarter despite consuming enough alcohol to drink a Cajun under the table. Call poison control, tell them to prepare the stomach pumper at the hospital, make things right with your deity of choice, then finish an unopened bottle of absinthe.