Author's note: This is satire. Love ya, #FunBelt.
Lists can be cheap fun and a consistently effective way to end friendships. Especially when it comes to arguing about your favorite college town. Remember, in these debates you're always right, and the place you're from is perfect and certainly not terrible in any way whatsoever.
But Don Williams, a columnist from a real Lubbock newspaper with real journalism who actually gets paid to write took your average conference college town rankings a step further and put out a list for the Big 12 that could be considered, ah, avant garde by some for ranking rival city Austin last and garden spots Lubbock, Norman, and Waco first, second, and third, respectively.
Others might consider it a lazy and homertastic screed that was thrown together in 5 minutes and only features scorching hot takes that would show up on a terrible message board, or perhaps a CNN article comment section. Hey, different strokes.
Seeing as geography and sports are my two passions, I was inspired by this out-of-the-box approach to geographically oriented sports rankings and have decided to try my hand at how the venerable Mr. Williams would rank the cities of the Sun Belt Conference.
11. San Marcos, Texas
Who do these people think they are, expecting their program to match the exploits of fellow upstarts Georgia Southern? Complete snobs. Traffic is awful, parking services are Mussolini reanimated, and the flooding and humidity reflects poorly on the locals' moral fortitude. Tubing on a river will lead to syphillis per my farmer's almanac. Proximity to Austin should banish this city to eternal hellfire. Worst town in the Sun Belt, FBS, and the entire Milky Way Galaxy.
10. Lafayette, Louisiana
I can't understand a single word these people are saying. One of them offered me a bowl of something with rice and sausage in it, and once I saw spices were used in the mixture I immediately threw it on the ground. The modern day Sodom and Gomorrah that is the tailgating scene here will be the downfall of society.
9. Boone, NC
The nearby Appalachian towns are educational bastions in the joys of a simple, electricity-free lifestyle. However, one time I happened upon an ASU shindig/hootenanny (depending on your perspective) and I was SHOCKED to find that students were smoking RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA CIGARETTES. THERE. WERE. HIPPIES. IN. THE. DOMICILE.
Strangely enough, the national guard did not respond to my urgent pleas for help.
8. Atlanta, Georgia
I enjoyed the ample leg room afforded to me in the Georgia Dome, but raining money from the ceiling was far too much excitement for this columnist.
7. Troy, Alabama
Any city that was stupid enough to get fooled by a wooden horse deserved to have their football team be dismantled by the Alabama Board of Trustees. Why bother bringing it back? If you can't pay for an on-campus stadium in straight cash, you shouldn't be allowed to play football, period.
6. Mobile, Alabama
The Azalea Trail Maids are an entirely necessary monument to tradition, even if their outfits are a little revealing. That blood and guts coach Joey Jones is a great example of why those millennials are far too spoiled these days.
5. Jonesboro, Arkansas
A Wal-Mart on every corner, meaning your weekend entertainment is already set for the next 10 years. But that's not all!
@THETXSTUniv A-State benefits from an extremely advantageous proximity to Cash-4-Gold.— A-State Fan Rules (@AStateFanRules) June 2, 2015
A return to the gold standard will surely save this nation from San Marcos-led ruin, so make these hubs of economic wisdom part of your bucket list.
4. Moscow, Idaho
Salt of the earth people that are being held hostage by a coach who shows he has no scruples towards the abhorrent sins of having a mistress and owning a motorcycle.
3. Statesboro, Georgia
Stop by Eagle Creek for a quick biology lesson on how fetid creek water can be the perfect breeding grounds for clouds of gnats, which should hopefully make you realize that nothing about you is special. I was perturbed by all the locals yelling GATA, as there were no alligators to be found on the premises.
2. Monroe, Louisiana
Legend has it that the pollution and smell from the West Monroe paper mill will give your backyard garden that extra "oomph" it needs to win your local tomato growing competition. Sure, your tomato may eventually spawn a giant mutant crawfish that will someday destroy us all, but one must learn to accept life's little surprises.
1. Las Cruces, New Mexico
The constant shrieking wind and desert heat builds character and you don't have to get dressed up here, since everything goes well with brown. Entertainment options are similar to Lubbock, so it's a great place to get caught up on that risqué crochet habit of yours. How could you possibly need more action than that?