Good news everybody! In the lead-up to the NFL Draft, the folks at the SB Nation mothership slaved long hours over a hot computer in order to create their very first NFL Draft Profile Generator. After having run our own staff through the ringer, I can say that it is without a doubt scientifically solid. Let's just say that shit got real, O.K?
*Sits down to type into generator*
Clark DeMas: Has the fat hands to at least get picked, but scouts say too-strong arms could be an issue
Well, I guess this explains why it takes him so goddamn long to write all of his articles. I appreciate your attempt at candor, NFL Draft Profile Generator (NFLDPG), but how in the hell is "too-strong arms" a bad thing in a contact sport?
Jason Jones: Has the pocket presence to cheat for the Patriots, but scouts say night blindness could be an issue
So I think the draft generator simultaneously compared Jason to Tom Brady and called Brady a cheater. Ballsy move, NFLDG. Though, having seen pictures of both Tom and Jason I am questioning the accuracy of this profile, unless Tommy Boy is capable of going whole hog like Jason did.
Andrew Thomas: Has the pain tolerance to behead a ref, but scouts say illegible handwriting could be an issue
O.K., NFLDG, now you're just screwing around. Andrew's ability to behead a ref is all about his short fuse, not his pain tolerance. I mean, Ed Hochuli is about the only ref strong enough to pose a legitimate threat, and even then THE GUY WILL BE BEHEADED. So no.
Matt Monte: Has the football smarts to run pretty fast, but scouts say stick-to-it-tiveness could be an issue
Ah yes, the age old football truism: "nobody outruns a genius." And clearly the NFLDG is a genius, because as we all know NFL scouts absolutely hate work ethic. This machine is either lazy or stupid, I'm not sure which. Which scouts say could be an issue! HA! Back atcha, generator.
Chris Hondros: Has the length to yell "hike" real loud, but scouts say farmer’s tan could be an issue
O.K. Now we're back on track. If I've learned anything about Chris over the years, it's that his skillset is limited but effective. I mean really, counting on a Greek who is also the son of a clergyman as an integral part of your offense is just foolishness.
Haisten Willis: Has the football equipment to tackle refs who aren’t looking, but scouts say seltzer addiction could be an issue
Nothing to scoff at here. I got to see his addiction first hand in the bars of Birmingham, and he most definitely would be the guy to tackle the ref instead of the ballcarrier. Though due to his addiction, you'd never know if it was fueled by incompetence or malice.
Jared Kalmus: Has the meme library to high five a condor, but scouts say cheese breath could be an issue
If we know anything about Jared, it's that he can run meme circles around most of the staff. He gets really winded doing it, but hey, we don't judge. I'm not going to say he has cheese breath, but I'm also not going to say that he looks like Matt's long-lost bearded cousin, because it just doesn't add anything to the discussion.
Charles Blouin-Gascon: Has the length to line up anywhere, but scouts say Twitter etiquette could be an issue
HOLY CRAP. Charles, I don't know how the internet knows, but it knows. I mean, this dude is legendary for his Twitter etiquette - in that he actually has it. Of course, he is Canadian, so big fricking surprise there. I mean hell, he nearly got a job with HuffPo, y'know? But again, the Canadian version, so... grain of salt and whatnot.
Will Butler: Has the flexible morals to dodge a wrench, but scouts say Google search history could be an issue
OH SNAP, WILL. Loose morals indeed - there's a reason I got a hotel room with more than one bed for that road trip. Seriously though, you should see him trying to dodge a wrench. Never have i had an easier target. And that Google search history... the list of cat videos I'd ever want to see used to be zero, let's put it that way.
Nic Lewis: Has the wonderlic score to jump pretty high, but scouts say depreciating real estate could be an issue
WHAT IS THIS?! Real estate depreciation? I do not appreciate your thinly veiled attacks at my age, NFLDG. And you're damn right I have a badass Wonderlic score. I might be the next Ryan Fitzpatrick of blogging!... That's a good thing, right?
What did the generator say about you? Let us know in the comments.