Weakest Of The Week: So Many Options To Choose From, How Could We Possibly Decide

Well, that escalated quickly.

I took last weak off, because life and stuff you know, delegating college football's gardening space that is this column to my esteemed editor; said editor stepped in and watered where it needed to be watered, shielded away from the sun where needed (a very dumb comment about Idaho on my part two weaks ago) and, well, it just so happens that we've now made it up to six comments for two weaks in a row.

The gardening community, as they say, is alive and well. It legitimately warms the cockles, or the poppies rather to keep in theme, of my heart.

Though I wish people had said the same about myself.

They've done so poorly that Charles has up and quit.

See that? That was a joke from esteemed editor; not a particularly great one but hey, not every one we say can be of the "two guys walk into a bar..." variety.

You need the occasional dandelion to better appreciate the roses. All find and cool and good job, esteemed editor. In fact, too much of a good job because you legitimately convinced some that I had quit and that this column would be carried by yourself moving forward.

I can say today that I believe that my esteemed editor was probably Leo DiCaprio or Tom Hardy or whoever else that played in Inception, because he hasn't committed one way or the other on whether he'll leave this series alone now that i'm back from my single-week reprieve.

Whatever. I'm pretty clearly better at this series (that's why I was tasked with writing it to begin with) so I'll just plow ahead into another weak of picks for you.

Weekest Weakly Runner-Up 1: Georgia State Panthers At Texas State Bobcats

A valiant effort, folks. Really, that's the stuff that dreams are made of, if dreams were to find the college football game that no one gives a damn about. It's the 104th and the 113th teams, or the 103rd and the 109th teams or the 121st and the 103rd teams in the FBS. Whatever. It's a shitty matchup, but not nearly shitty enough to get the crown, which makes it even shittier.

The Georgia State Panthers are horrible. They're as horrible as ever, because no one ever cares about them in their little Georgia Dome. They're terrible, because they lost their homecoming game to something called Liberty - and I will not look into what a Liberty is. They're terrible, because they haven't played anybody and still haven't beaten anyone.

The Panthers are terrible, don't you get it? They can score points, ish, sure, but they lose because they can't stop anyone. That's the dumbest way to lose.

The Texas State Bobcats, meanwhile, don't know what they are. I'm not the one saying it, it's our resident Texas State Expert at Underdog Dynasty. Oh, sure, he hasn't published the post yet, but it's a draft on the back end of the site. The guy would know, his handle is @THETXSTUniv; give him a follow and buy him a drink because his team has lost to the Ragin' Cajuns in the one year it shouldn't happen, and to New Mexico State, which should never, never happen.

EDITOR'S NOTE: WHOA, WHOA WHOA. I give you back the article and THAT is the game you pick to be runner-up? Seriously? That's not even the most shitty option out of the games that are shitty enough to be horrible but not shitty enough to be comically good. What are you thinking? Here, let me help you.

ACTUAL Weekest Weakly Runner-Up: Texas-San Antonio Roadrunners at Charlotte 49ers

GOOD NEWS. We've found an offensive identity for UTSA! They're a strong third quarter team (65th in S&P+) that is really good at running the ball for between 0 and 5 yards.

That's it. That's the entirety of the good news.

And they're nearly a 2 to 1 favorite to win this game! That third quarter success is also rendered moot by the fact that S&P+ simultaneously rates them as one of the five worst teams in the country in the first half. Your ability to draw water from a well is rather rendered moot when it takes you half an hour just to get the bucket to the water.

CBG'S NOTE: NOooOOO... You go to that well because it's water that's so pure and your begonias need it. But carry on.

Charlotte. CharlotteCharlotteCharlotte....

*looking for nice things to say about Charlotte*

Hey, the Panthers are 8-0! Ok. Seriously.

Well, they've got Kalif Phillips at running back. He'll probably crack 1,000 yards for the second season in a row. This is their lone positive, because their passing game is not just bad, it's a series of dumpster fires being carried by a runaway train that's about to wreck.

Lee McNeill will likely be making his seventh consecutive start under center for the 49ers, though fellow junior Matt Johnson has seen a handful of snaps in each game and Brooks Barden has popped up here and there as well. If McNeill does start, he will be doing so despite the fact that last week three things occurred:

1. McNeill started his sixth game of the season
2. He threw his first touchdown of the season
3. He avoided throwing an interception for the first time this season

Need more proof of the passing game's atrocities? Look to the second half of September. In a demolishing at the hands of Middle Tennessee, those three signal-callers combined were 13-of-33 for 102 yards, no touchdowns and four interceptions. The following week against FAU, Barden sat and watched McNeill and Johnson combine to go a mind-boggling 11-for-34 for 89 yards and seven interceptions.

The 49ers have turned the ball over an FBS-high 30 times (tied with Maryland). Yes, UTSA is favored to win this game and for good reason, which somehow gives us a game where both teams are bad and the matchup is lopsided. That's a new one. BUT IT STILL ISN'T THE WEAKEST.

CBG'S NOTE: YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY... An FBS-high 30 turnovers just means their luck is set to turn. It starts tonight. Or whenever this sorry game is.

Weakest of the Week: Tulane Green Wave at Army West Point Black Knights of the Hudson River Near New Jersey

This game... *sigh*

I could pretty much sum up this game by saying that on the season, Army has only beaten one of the two FCS teams on their schedule, and yet they are a 2 1/2 point favorite in this game. That is how bad the Green Wave have been, especially of late.

How bad, you ask? Well, they are coming off a week where they held UConn's offense to 227 yards and successfully blocked a field goal attempt on the only drive where the Huskies made it inside the Tulane 40 yard line. AND THEY LOST. In large part because Tanner Lee endured a stretch of 18 incompletions in 23 attempts, which is the wrong kind of consistency.

Their S&P+ particulars bear out what you would expect - Tulane has a strong defense that tends to fade as the game goes on thanks to being (un)supported by an offense that is confused by the mere presence of a football in their hands.

Army, meanwhile, combines an offense that runs the ball more than any other team in the country with a running game that... doesn't even rank in the top third of FBS by any rushing metric I've seen. That's not particularly great. Sure, they're #1 nationally in Passing IsoPPP, but that's only so valuable when you've only attempted 67 passes in nine games.

Here's a summation of Army's last four outings:

• A game against Air Force where their field goal drive was the only time they got past the Air Force 40 yard line.
• A game against Rice where they fell behind less than 90 seconds into the game and needed literally the entire game just to pull back even before losing.
• A win over FCS Bucknell where they led for a grand total of six minutes.
• A game against Air Force Duke where their field goal drive was the only time they got past the Air Force Duke 40 yard line.

ACTUAL Weekest of the Weak: UTEP Miners At Old Dominion Monarchs

Statistics will say that this is literally the worst possible game, because these two are literally the worst teams in the FBS. Really. On a per-drive basis, the Monarchs are 127th "best" and the Miners are 128th. Wouhou.

I win. End this debate.

I know what you'll say. That there are other advanced stats, and that the S&P or the F/+ ratings aren't nearly as mean as the above. Whatever. Stats don't lie; you lie using stats.

So find something else to say, Mr. esteemed editor! That these two somehow have four wins each should give every last one of us hope for the present, to say nothing of the future.

BUT WAIT! If I found the most perfect game, and if this perfect game is between the two weakest possible teams, then that would make it the perfect matchup. But if a matchup is perfect for being so weak, is it ever actually that weak to begin with?