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Weakest Of The Week: Rice And FAU Play Bad Football

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This is a really wonderful week of weak and bad football and no game takes the weak cake over this one.

Alonzo Adams-USA TODAY Sports

Oh, you look at that headline and think that I know something that you don't. That I'm   saying this because I'm a soothsayer who's already watched this game and knows the outcome.

Well let me counter with two things:

1) No I am not a soothsayer. I do have red hair and, in more barbaric times, I would have been burnt for this sadly but this is 2015.

2) We have something called the Internet and I can use it. That's how I know.

I sharpened the gardening skills of my college football fandom a weak ago, declaring that this column was just like a begonia and that I needed to water it accordingly and waddayaknow? Readers flocked en masse to the comments section, making it the most commented upon since the series started—even while writing this, I discovered it had four more comments.

(I also got a glimpse of my future and if it holds true, it's a frightening sight: I certainly must enjoy my glorious red hair while I still can.)

Hey Charles, you look like a 80 year old woman in the video. Quit drinking so much, it's wearing you down.

Well, that's quite a good zinger—and because it was so good, I brought out my French because I was stumped otherwise.

Pas de chicane dans ma cabane

Tempers flared high and maybe that's why, before the discussion turned to actual football discussion (BORING!), we all learned the truth about wisterias.

Wisteria is the devil. If you've ever been tasked with trying to remove that [editor's note: expletive] from your yard, you've already seen the inner circles of hell.

Gorgeous, but hellish flower. Got it.

But fear not, dear reader friends; much to the dismay and chagrin of my esteemed editor, this series will not transform into a weakly gardening show. I will, definitely, #talkfootball.

However, I will not discuss the upcoming Duke Blue Devils at Army Black Knights game, because even I can't make this one compellingly bad.

Runner-Up To The Runner-Up Game: New Mexico State Aggies At Ole Miss Rebels

Welcome to the first repeat serial offender in the history of this young series: three times already. It's something you should be proud of, NMSU Aggies. I think.

Oh, there's a tiny, tiny part of me that thinks that there's a tiny, tiny sliver of a chance that we have a game here. That Ole Miss could have a hangover and let the Aggies hang around just long enough for them to start believing and to confound all of us on Sunday. "What, how the hell did the Rebels only win 43-30??? #scrubs". That this could be a game for longer than is should.

Am I crazy?

Yes. I am. This will be over by halftime and, well, a blowout qualifies for this series. It doesn't make for an especially compelling game, but it's certainly a weak game.

For now, I'll just leave this here. 

And this too.

And go on living my life like half the man I really am.

Runner-Up Game: UCF Knights At Connecticut Huskies

Hmm, why do I feel like UCF and Connecticut have already played this game a good five times already just this season? Both teams are like your monthly bus pass: it's expensive and sucks but you need it so what can you do? I've covered the teams already once each.

About UCONN: I made fun of their 9-6 loss against the team with the arm punt offense and their fake field goal that could have right up until it couldn't.

About UCF: Their fans have the best of both world, if those two worlds are 1) getting free beer and 2) being drunk. They just don't have a football team.

But in lieu of another mean pun, I'll keep things civil (thank you) and let others say the mean things.

Meaner?

Weakest Of The Week: Rice Owls At Florida Atlantic Owls

Oh, that's the good stuff. Here's a game with another repeat offender in the Rice Owls playing against a team that really should be a repeat offender in the FAU Owls. Actually, that's not true: Rice is so weak I really thought I had written about them so far but NOPE. It's your baptism too, Rice; how do you feel? (The repeat offender is FAU here. Oops :/)

I'll tell you how I feel.

One team certainly will emerge victorious, because a team always does, but this is the special kind of weak where we all lose. Two teams with inefficient and irregular offences go against sorry excuses for defensive units that they won't manage to take advantage of.

Do you know why they're both called the Owls?

*owl sound*

Give up yet? Yep, they play and no one cares: *owl sound* is the new *crickets*.