Oh dear God, what have I done?
But was it all for naught?
I proclaimed that I and my readers had managed to create the perfect community on the interwebs, one where we could all interact like a good football team and family. We had exchanged comments and tweets, for compliments and insults alike, but then nothing. Last weak's post led to a grand total of nada. No tweets. No comments. No laughs. Just one frown, on my face.
Guys, guys, was it because I picked the North Texas game? Was this game so, so terrible that there really was nothing more to say and, thus you said nothing? I wouldn't feel much better about this, but I would understand it.
Let this be a lesson for every pseudo Internet writer: you can have your weakly column about the best worst football, but you can't gloat. There is no beaming in team, as they say, and it's now that I realize that I should let others do my patting of my back.
Let's double down this weak: I'll pick the North Texas game because once again it is abjectly terrible and also because we may know whether the lack of comments in weak 7 reflected poorly on myself or UNT.
Runner-Up Game: Wagner Seahawks At BYU Cougars
Let's start our mission of picking the best worst game with the only place where it could start: in Provo, Utah, where "Christ" is more than an interjection meant to signify anger. But: Christ, this game will be bad.
The BYU Cougars aren't over the hill by any means, ranking a very respectable 44th in the FBS according to the F/+ ratings, after seven games as the sober little brother to Notre Dame. This season, Taysom Hill begat Tanner Magnum, and losses turned into nail-biting (wait, is that not against the Honor Code?) wins.
The Cougars aren't world-beaters but they're world-travelers and they've been on a mission (HA!) of making the injury to their starting quarterback mean something more than a football play gone bad. They have a few nice little scalps on their resume (e.g. Boise State, Michigan, and does Nebraska count?), but I can't understand why they scheduled this game in the first place. It isn't honorable to run up the score on overmatched opponents.
Has Dajuan Wagner switched to football now? I'm not quite sure what a Wagner is, but apparently they play football? For the chance to turn the other cheek, the Wagner Seahawks make this trip to Provo. Apparently, this team plays in the FCS, is 0-6 and, as per my esteemed editor, has scored 23 points in its three previous games. In other words, they're on quite a roll! (Roll as in, roll over.)
Wagner lost 56-16 to "Side Dish" Rice, which should be the name of a good Quiznos sub and which also shouldn't be possible because this Rice team may well be an FCS team of its own. How bad is Wagner? The Seahawks have 1,583 yards of total offense this season, slightly more than the Baylor Bears have in their previous two games.
What's the pitch for this game, esteemed editor?
"have you ever woken up one morning realizing that both not studying AND getting hammered the night before a big exam was probably a poor choice?
Weakest Of The Week: North Texas Mean Green At Marshall Thundering Herd
Yep, that's the good stuff. This will be a blowout between one very good team and one that is the opposite of that. Let's turn to a classic for help in explaining this.
Sing it with me, folks! Let's pick it up from the chorus:
There's only so many games left in this great season. But we're the Thunderin' Herd, we're the Thunderin' Herd. We beat something called Boilermakers who couldn't understand (just who was who's daddy). And we're the Thunderin' Herd, we're the Thunderin' Herd.
Two things, basically: 1) OutKast is so awesome and, well, my country just elected a Prime Minister who wants to legalize weed, and 2) if Marshall beat a sorry Purdue team, just imagine what it can do to the Purdue of Conference USA.
Go Mean Green? As in go away, yes.
(Re: this video: why bother picking and choosing highlights if it'll run for 34:45? I'll never get West Virginia.)