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Weakest Of The Week: Tulane Must Beat UCF

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While I am not one to say no to free beer, I would say that if you must drink a lot of alcohol, UCF fans, please do so responsibly.

Todd Bennett/Getty Images

Weak four is when the fun times, as they say, are a-over.

The beginning of every season brings optimism with it in that every outcome remains a possibility. A football team is like a begonia at spring time: it blooms and blooms and is just oh so lovely.

But after spring comes summer fall winter, or something—or in the case of a football season, after the beginning comes a reality check. And whoever said hope is eternal was lying because you can't win championships only with hope. You have to win football games.

Watering and location may be important to a begonia, but hey not every begonia can make it to the championship. The destiny of some is to wither and fade as October rolls around.

I searched in the depths of my inner garden this past weak only to realize that perhaps I had watered the begonias of my column a little too much: last weak's post, where I praised my readers, had only one comment. Worse, it (sort of) complimented the Army Black Knights:

Army is actually the better program and the favorite here, going by ratings. (So, not Vegas.) But there are several FCS teams that [...]

Having zero comments would have been better because it would have indicated that maybe readers didn't see the post, etc. etc. But one comment? It just means that I wrote nothing that warranted the wrath of more than one person. Or that I truly picked the weakest of the weak, with Army and Eastern Michigan being so weak that not more than one person commented.

Or it means that I wrote a bad post. (Note to my editor: it isn't that.)

Weak four brings a slew of conference games; inevitably, there will be blowouts and ugly ones. These are what I'm looking for.

Runner-Up Game: Wyoming Cowboys At Appalachian State Mountaineers

Does anyone remember the time when the Appalachian State Mountaineers were only a determined little engine that could (beat Michigan)? Since 2007, they've kept busy and if they were the dandelion you could overlook then, they're more like wistarias in 2015: they're gorgeous and you envy them because you can't look away.

Their transition to the big boys table in the FBS has been just about seamless and they could very well run away with the conference title (in an admittedly weak Sun Belt) behind the prowess of all-everything running back Marcus Cox.

We know the Mountaineers are good, with the 22nd-ranked offense and the eighth-ranked rushing offense (and the 97th-ranked passing offense :/). But do we know how good? They've won against Howard and Old Dominion and lost against Clemson, which is to say that they haven't beaten anyone. After this weekend, that last point will still hold.

You're drunk, Cowboys fans. Go home and come back only when you're able to pull this off.

Hey, speaking of drunk...

Weakest Of The Week: UCF Knights At Tulane Green Wave

Football Saturday starts off with this weak game, because there is no need to waste everyone's time. Why wait if you're going to ruin your weekend anyway, amirite??

Oh, there are plenty of things to say about this game. Here: among the four UCF losses is one against something called Furman. This too: the Knights have the worst offense in the FBS while Tulane's is only mildly better. The following: the Game of the century? More like the #LameOfTheCentury! Also: when you read those "10-year Katrina anniversaryfeatures about Tulane this past summer, it was the first time you thought about the team in the past decade. Finally: my esteemed editor and the artist formerly known as Matt Monte will be in attendance.

See? Plenty to say. But to watch UCF and Tulane for these reasons is akin to buying anything other than a rose for your girlfriend to make it up to her; it's overcomplicating things.

In the case of this unbelievably weak game, the rose that you need is the following:

UCF, please win soon.

Une photo publiée par The Basement Orlando (@thebasementorlando) le

The folks at The Basement are doing the Lord's work for this one. By the end of their team's win, Green Wave fans will surely be overjoyed that St. Patty's Day has arrived: "Green Wave? More like a wave of green beer! *high fives bro beside him*"

Enjoy this game, folks. And remember not to put the UCF beer where you put your water, as alcohol will most definitely kill your begonias.