My Fellow North Texicans,
So, 2014 happened. Could you have imagined that the Mean Green would start out 2014 in the Cotton Bowl with 35,000 fans cheering the team on in a beating of UNLV in the Heart of Dallas Bowl? It was incredible. Free breakfast tacos, ESPNU, Downtown Dallas, New Year's Day, and a win. The only thing that might've made it better was if UNLV brought more than ten fans. (audience stands up and claps)
Wow. That was incredible. The team was 9-4 and even received Coaches Poll votes. The 2014 season was going to be special. We were going to win Conference USA, beat Texas, and go to a BCS Bowl game. (audience member who pregamed the Mean Green State of the Union emphatically yells out "F*** Yeah!) We had people tweeting about us. Even the Dallas Morning News gave us front page status. Being Mean Green was cool again, like Charlotte Hornets jersies.
Dan McCarney? That guy got a raise... to $600,000 a year. Do you know how many Grey Goose bottles he probably bought with that money? (Slight awkward chuckle from the audience) Do you think he put Grey Goose in his coffee Red Bull in the morning? Athletic Director Rick Villareal? Yeah, he was a god too. The defense? They called them Legion of Boom Junior (ok not really but it sounded nice) due to their hard-hitting nature. We had guys try out with the Broncos, Chargers, and Bears, and one player even made the Ravens. They call him "Ray Lewis without the stained coat and multiple baby mamas".
Life was great. And then 2014 happened.
First, a recruiting class ranked dead last in FBS by Yahoo!. Then, a quarterback race that felt more like a race to the bottom. Included in this was a position shift for a guy who was NFL caliber at his previous position (Cyril Lemon), replacing half of the Legion of Boom Junior, and the guy who had more special teams touchdowns in 2013 than North Texas quarterbacks threw for in 2014 (again, an exaggeration).
The high point was a win over a 1-11 SMU team in the season's second week, a team which should certainly be better in 2015 with new Coach Chad Morris, and maybe we'll count the pasting of FCS bottom dweller Nicholls State. Other than that, not much.
Our weaknesses showed in 2014. Therefore, in 2015, I propose that in blowout games, at least 1 or 2 other quarterbacks receive playing time, something that did not happen in 2013. (Massive applause) We will make a decision on a quarterback, one that is not a choirboy, but one that will MAKE US WIN GAMES!
Our running game is the strength of our offense, anchored by Antoinne Jimmerson, and freshman sensation Jeffrey Wilson. Our running game tends to get dull though, with halfback dives and runs up the middle. I propose more creativity- adopt the partial playbook of new Montana Head Coach Bob Stitt. More halfback sweeps, halfback dives. Even a reverse or two!!! (audience erupts in wild cheer)
Before I go any further, I'd like to recognize a North Texas hero, Pat Boone (half the crowd moans, the other half is on Wikipedia trying to figure out who the hell this guy is). Pat Boone is a prime example of what it means to be a North Texas man, save for his below average music, overt hatred towards the LGBT folk, and overall bizarre demeanor, which kind of sums up the 2014 season.
(Realizes everyone is getting tired of the speech)
This upcoming will be different. Offensive Coordinator Mike Canales will reach across the aisle and welcome Defensive Coordinator Chris Cosh, who is yet ANOTHER member of the Dan McCarney South Florida club. Trevor Moore will be our secret weapon! (Audience takes a shot of green Kool-Aid) He will render the hashtag #collegekickers obsolete! (People cheer, confused)
I will introduce a bill stating we will not play FCS teams that had a record under .500! (Crowd is even further confused) Our unnamed quarterback will lead us to wins over Iowa and Tennessee and even Louisiana Tech! (People walking out now)
My fellow Mean Green, next year in the Bahamas Bowl!!!