UTEP - Here is our first entry, where we start at the beginning, because the team's roster says we should
1st place - Mookie Carlile, DB I always love a good 1980's New York Mets flashbacks. Oh Doc Gooden...
2nd place - Silas Firstley, DL This is what I meant earlier. How does Firstley not finish, y'know, first? I don't know, but I'd hate to see what would happen if he wound up lower.
3rd place (tie) - Augie Touris, DL and Mack Leftwich, QB No, this quarterback is in no way related to any previous quarterbacks for teams currently in Conference USA. His roster photo proves it.
UAB - For a team that is likely to play as poorly as they are, they have some of the best names around. Might win the conference if this was the deciding factor.
1st place - Uneik Crumbley, OL Not sure how anyone could get the nod for most unique name besides a guy who literally has the word as his name.
2nd place - Kingsley Ejike, DL Even a little bit of royalty on the defensive line for the Blazers.
3rd place - Nyiakki Height, WR And of course, some size at the wide receiver position.
Honorable mention to the man of many syllables but zero votes, Maudrecus Humphrey
Marshall - I was rather surprised at how thin this roster was on talent, rather the opposite of UAB when comparing name talent to on-field talent, perhaps.
1st place - Amoreto Curraj, K Here we have it, we have truly arrived. A kicker in first place. (But no, it's actually pronounced KOO-RAI)
2nd place - Kaare Vedvik, K Wham! Look at this! Another kicker. So no matter how the kicking game shakes out, there should be some announcing awesomeness.
3rd place - Armonze Daniel, DL He's just...Armonzing!
Honorable mention goes to Sandley Jean-Felix, who just missed out on placing.
Southern Miss - I must admit, the Golden Eagles are a bit underwhelming. Then again, what else is new?
1st place - Chaz Cavignac, OL Sounds like a fine vintage wine, far too good for the confines of Southern Mississippi.
2nd place - Jomez Applewhite, DB I dig this - why choose one first name when you can combine them?
3rd place - Ja'Boree Poole, DL Now this is just preposterous, how can a Poole be Boree-ing?
I'm not sure how a kid named Picasso Nelson, Jr. wound up in the honorable mention, but I bet he just gave everyone the wrong impression.
Florida Atlantic - The Owls are one of the deepest teams in the conference, and therefore hardest to vote for, but we still managed to rank them.
1st place - Lucky Whitehead, WR I'm sure the offense is hopeful he will live up to his name
2nd place - Freedom Whitfield, LB Just as the defense is hopeful that he won't.
3rd place - Mikingson Marsaille, OL "Introducing, My King, Son Marsaille!"
Honorable mention - Too bad there was no room for Cre'von LeBlanc or Shalom Ogbonda
Florida International - Here we have a team that is tops in the conference, at least at this one thing. Both quality and depth reign supreme for the Panthers... their names, anyway.
1st place - Wonderful Monds II, DE Because how in the heck could you not give a guy named "Wonderful" the top spot? No doubt he's their best player, too.
2nd place - De'Shawn Hazziez, LB Ready to hit and make you Hazziez...
3rd place - Imarjaye Albury, DT We can't wait until he buries the opposition.
Honorable mention goes to... wait a minute, Shug Oyegunle? NOBODY VOTED FOR SHUG? *Locks doors and windows* Seriously though, this team is so deep that great names like Edens Sineace, Akil Dan-Fodio, and Dieugot Joseph didn't even get votes.
Middle Tennessee State - The Blue Raiders are a middle-of-the-pack team here. No one name really jumps off the page, but there are some solid contributors. Nobody I can poke much fun at, though.
1st place - O'Shae Bridges The Bridges of O'Shae County
2nd place - Leighton Gasque Blew a gasquet...
3rd place - Quay Watt This is one of those things that's just useful, because after he makes a hit, you can say, "Que, WHAT?:
Honorable mention - I'm a little surprised that Chase Penncuff didn't get any votes, but what an odd name for a fullback.
North Texas - The Mean Green are a bit better than MTSU, at least at the top, but overall nothing absolutely blew me away beyond the top of the list.
1st place - Tee Goree, WR He'll get an opportunity to tee off on the opposing secondary.
2nd place - Darvin Kidsy, WR Child's play is not allowed when Kidsy is on the field.
3rd place - Lairamie Lee, DB Does he have a puppet sidekick named Cheyenne? We certainly hope so...
Honorable mention - To solid contributors in the form of Cannon Maki, Malik Dilonga, and Mustafa Haboul
UTSA - The Roadrunners are definitely in the mix at the top of their conference, with foreign sounds and syllables run amok through the roster.
1st place - Yannis Routsas, P/K Because everything is better with a Greek kicker, don't you know this?
2nd place - Blake Bogenschutz, QB In second place we find not only a starter, but also I believe the most syllabic names on the team.
3rd place - N'Keal Bailey, CB Another first name that will be a real humdinger for the announcing crew.
Honorable mention - I'm a little surprised that Kennedy Ubabuike couldn't snag any votes
La Tech - I was rather disappointed with the Bulldogs. They definitely belong at the bottom of the conference with a performance like this. I can't even say any funny things here.
1st place - Secdrick Cooper, S
2nd place - Vontarrius Dora, DL Any jokes about Dora the Explorer will be punished accordingly.
3rd place (tie) - Houston Bates, DE, Le'Vender Liggins, DB Does he...Bate the offensive linemen to jump offsides?
RICE - The depth here is nothing to be amazed by, but their top-end talent definitely can compete with the best of CUSA.
1st place - Driphus Jackson, QB I hate to say it, but it makes me think of a certain actor. I do not need to be thinking about Cocoon during Owls games!
2nd place - Paine Matiscik, LB And you had better believe that a high-volume tackler named Paine is getting some votes.
3rd place - Cody Henessee, DT Any defender who could get drunk of his own name (were he old enough) is fine by me.
Honorable mention to the very boldly named Jae Phan and J.T. Blasingame
ODU - I like the variety on this team, a good mix of heavy duty syllables and heavy duty humor opportunities.
1st place - Rashaad Coward, DT Because who doesn't want a coward in their front four, right? Lull them into a false sense of security.
2nd place - Aquante Thornton, CB Aquante will be a thorn in any receiver's side.
3rd place - Oshane Ximines, DE I can only hope to hear announcers struggle with this one during the season. I can hear it now...
Honorable mention goes to the equally deserving Poncho Barnwell and Bunmi Rotimi
WKU - The Toppers have some strong talent here. Truly top notch. Glad we could finish strong...
1st place - Nacarius Fant, WR
2nd place - Prince Charles Iworah, DB Continuing the NCAA history of defensive backs named Prince started long, long ago at Nebraska.
3rd place - Wonderful Terry, DB / Ge'Monee Brown, DL O.K., I had to intervene here. Absolutely nobody voted for two players named "Wonderful" and "Ge'Monee"? What is wrong with you people?
Honorable mention - Had to go to the impressively pedestrian Forrest Lamp.
Again, leave your comments for your top three votes, and we'll reveal the overall All-Name Team on Friday!