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Every Bowl Game Explained Using a Famous Fight Scene

I decided to preview every bowl game using famous fight scenes. It took a long time. Yes, I know I got your team's wrong.

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Before undertaking this monumental/ridiculous task, I had to set a few rules.

  1. No team deserves to be compared to Bruce Lee.
  2. No Matrix, because the Matrix sucks.
  3. No Roadhouse, because Roadhouse.
Oh, and SPOILERS, because you guys get testy about that. Now that that is out of the way.

New Orleans Bowl: Nevada vs. UL Lafayette - Goon, Glatt vs. Rhea. A great matchup from the lower tier. Both teams intend on punching the other in the mouth over and over, because, frankly, that's all they know how to do.

New Mexico Bowl: UTEP vs. Utah State - Monty Python and the Holy Grail, The Black Knight. This one will be pretty one sided, but I don't expect UTEP to give up just because they don't have any arms left.

Las Vegas Bowl: Colorado St. vs. Utah - The Forbidden Kingdom, Chan vs. Li. This one sounds great on paper, but I fear the real product will be sorely lacking with McElwain already gone.

Famous Idaho Potato: Western Mich. vs. Air Force - Ip Man, Final Fight with General Miura. This will be an interesting display of two totally different styles, WMU's Karate vs. Air Force's Wing Chun. But the Falcons will be in control the whole time.

Camellia Bowl: Bowling Green vs. South Ala. - Undefeatable. Some people would call this completely unwatchable, but seeing two dudes trade haymakers without even a semblance of defense sounds like a good time to me. Just be careful with the knife licking.

Miami Beach Bowl: BYU vs. Memphis - Troy, Achilles vs. Hector. A surprisingly well matched fight, but we all know BYU will be victorious here. HECTOR AIN'T PLAYED NOBODY.

Boca Raton Bowl: Marshall vs. Northern Ill. - Undisputed 3, Boyka vs. Dolor Final. A heavyweight fight in every way, but one most casual fans won't be familiar with. Most are predicting a blowout by Marshall, but it will come down to which team gets the most... breaks.

Poinsettia Bowl: Navy vs. San Diego State - Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning, Adkins vs. Arlovski. Sure it's a few years old sequel that nobody really asked for, but that doesn't mean it can't be fun.

Popeyes Bowl: Western Ky. vs. Central Mich. - District B13, Chase Scene. Less of a fight and more of a foot race with some crazy acrobatics that not many people will see.

Hawaii Bowl: Rice vs. Fresno State - Pineapple Express, Fight at Red's. Beside the ridiculous Hawaiian theme, both the game and the movie make you wonder why you are watching in the first place.

Heart of Dallas Bowl: Illinois vs. La. Tech - Snatch, Final Fight. The B1G guy is supposed to win, but never bet against a gypsy from Rustin.

Quick Lane Bowl: Rutgers vs. North Carolina - The Toxic Avenger Part II, The Carnies. A superhero from New Jersey vs. a bunch of dudes who can't play defense. Both in the game and this scene there is/will be a lot going on, but the one guarantee is that it will be offensive.

St. Petersburg Bowl: NC State vs. UCF - No Country for Old Men, Strangling Scene. You may think you have him under wraps with your defense, but that soulless old bastard is gonna choke the life out of you NC State, and there isn't much you can do about it..

Military Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Cincinnati - Aliens, Power Loader. Cincy faces an ancient and mysterious evil using a powerful but mostly immobile weapon known as a Gunner Kiel.

Sun Bowl: Duke vs. Arizona State - Raiders of the Lost Ark, Sword Fight. Duke may have looked like a contender early in the season, but ASU won't mess around. This will be over quickly.

Independence Bowl: Miami (Fla.) vs. South Carolina - Django Unchained, Fight to the Death. Let's face it. Neither team really wants to be here, but that won't make this one any less brutal. Now finish him, Steve.

Pinstripe Bowl: Boston College vs. Penn State - Bloodsport, Final Fight. Just two 80's power houses in a ridiculous, slow, nearly unwatchable melee. Also, the arena is impractical.

Holiday Bowl: Nebraska vs. USC - Oldboy, Hallway Scene. USC has all the talent in the world at their expense, and Nebraska is lonely and broken. But the Huskers also have a freakin' hammer named Ameer.

Liberty Bowl: West Virginia vs. Texas A&M - Drunken Master II, Final Fight. An insanely fast paced race to see who can land the most punches, where the red-faced, chemically enhanced guy has the clear upper hand.

Russell Athletic Bowl: Clemson vs. Oklahoma - Gladiator, Tigris of Gaul. You'll be asking yourself for months how that tiger didn't just bite through Bob Stoops' neck.

Texas Bowl: Texas vs. Arkansas - Watchmen, Opening Scene. A barely identifiable acquaintance sneaks into Texas' house and beats the ever loving crap out of them.

Music City Bowl: Notre Dame vs. LSU - Fight Club, Jack's Complete Lack of Surprise. You may think you're in charge, Brian Kelly, but you'll never punch LSU as hard as it will punch itself. And Les Miles will still win.

Belk Bowl: Louisville vs. Georgia - Karate Kid, Last Fight. One side has a dick for a coach, and the other has a busted leg but a big heart, or something like that.

Foster Farms Bowl: Maryland vs. Stanford - The Avengers, Puny God. Yeah, those giant nerds are gonna smash the shit out of Maryland.

Peach Bowl: Ole Miss vs. TCU - The Spy Who Loved Me, Bond vs. Jaws. Sure, I could have used Dr. No, but there aren't many better allegories for Bo Wallace than Jaws knocking half a damn pyramid on his own head.

Fiesta Bowl: Boise State vs. Arizona - The Princess Bride, Westley vs. Inigo. Closer than some would anticipate, but Boise is ultimately outdone by excellent defense.

Orange Bowl: Miss. State vs. Ga. Tech - Blood and Bone, Prison Scene. Dak Prescott may be reserved, but when he is healthy, there aren't many that are more formidable.

Outback Bowl: Wisconsin vs. Auburn - Raging Bull, Lamotta vs. Sugar Ray. Wisconsin will be tough as nails in this one, and should take it to the end of the game. It won't matter that Auburn never knocks you down if you keep letting them land punches, though.

Cotton Bowl: Michigan St. vs. Baylor - Million Dollar Baby, Maggie Victorious. Baylor may be the better team, but that won't matter much once Michigan State starts punching them in the mouth.

Citrus Bowl: Minnesota vs. Missouri - Wheels on Meals, Jackie Chan vs, Benny the Jet. Probably one of the best, most underrated scenes in the history of cinema. Just good, old fashioned fist pounding.

Rose Bowl: Oregon vs. Florida State - The Protector 2, Tony Jaa vs Marrese Crump pt. 1. An awesome, action packed fight scene with no distractions at all. Not one.

Sugar Bowl: Alabama vs. Ohio State - Godzilla vs. Gamera. It really doesn't matter which of these two win because in the process they will destroy everything you love.

Armed Forces: Pittsburgh vs. Houston - The Warriors, vs. the Punks. Why the hell would you wear roller skates to a bathroom brawl, Pitt?

Gator Bowl: Iowa vs. Tennessee - Inception, Hallway Fight. Not sure which part of this scene will fit this game better, the fight or the car accident.

Alamo Bowl: Kansas State vs. UCLA - Happy Gilmore, The Price is Wrong. There's no reason that old man should be kicking your ass like that, UCLA, but there he is..

Cactus Bowl: Okla. State vs. Washington - First Strike, Ladder Fight. Just an entertaining matchup that looks a little one sided until Chris Peterson pulls out his bag of tricks.

Birmingham Florida vs. East Carolina - Kill Bill, The Crazy 88. What happens when an excellent aerial attack goes up against a stronger, but unorganized force like Florida? Lots and lots of blood.

GoDaddy Bowl: Toledo vs. Arkansas State - The Bourne Identity, Pen vs Knife. You don't come busting into Arkansas State's house and wreck up the place.