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Re-Branding G5 Schools as Terrible Mountain Dew Flavors

Because we need to re-stock our supplies in mom's basement.

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Mmm. Tastes like regret.
Mmm. Tastes like regret.
Justin Sullivan

Let's face it, the G5 has a bit of an image problem. Colorado State might not get an access bowl, and the college football playoff committee's very existence seems to be based on giving Marshall the finger.

Mountain Dew also has trouble breaking into the limelight. Owned by eternal second banana PepsiCo, they struggle to compete for eyeballs/mouths amongst heavyweights such as Baylor Dr. Pepper and the entire SEC Coca-Cola. So how did they decide to get around this problem? Why, the most American thing they could possibly do, of course. Re-brand themselves with the tackiest, most disgusting offering they could possibly think of, market the crap out of it, and somehow end up making millions of dollars anyway!

Nacho cheese Doritos Mountain Dew? Please. The G5 can do so, so much better (worse). Here's a list of Mountain Dew flavors tailored specifically to your favorite Group of Five football program!

Marshall - Mountain Dew Funyuns

On paper, a really damn good football team led by Rakeem Cato and an onion ring-flavored chip should capture the heart of a nation. In practice, it's really just a bunch of empty calories/crappy opponents that you'll really never find yourself consuming while sober.

Boise State

Wait, crap. Mountain Dew already did one to commemorate their turf.

East Carolina - Mountain Dew Kraken Rum

Who needs to water down your drink with "carbonation" and "regulations" when you can just take a few shots of ECU Kraken Mountain Dew and pillage the American coast like a true Pirate?

Side effects may include waking up on a desert island the next day with a splitting headache and an inexplicable loss to Temple.

Colorado State - Mountain Dew K2

"Bro, it's just fake weed."

Yeah, except unlike its much more popular big brother, it can actually put a hurting on anyone who dares to take it on.

Georgia Southern - Mountain Dew cloud of gnats

Sure, one flies into your mouth and you spit it out. Then somehow you end up in a swamp cursing said gnat and you're being carried off by swarms of them that somehow pitch you from cloud to cloud with perfect precision. Then they leave truckloads of politely sarcastic comments on your Facebook, Twitter, and sports blog about your perceived disrespect to all gnats and somehow keep linking everything with Georgia State.

Combine with Colorado State flavored Mountain Dew if you want to end up on the set of "Too Many Cooks."

Arkansas State: Mountain Dew home air filter

Just like with your head coach, you have to replace it every month, and somehow only the locals have successfully found a way to enjoy the crisp fiberglass flavor without getting blood everywhere.

Memphis: Mountain Dew Door

Memphis football may be doing well this year, but the fact that it'll never be more popular than "The Door" that earned its very own webcam only for John Calipari to never walk through it really captures the essence of the program in one distinct flavor.

UTSA: Mountain Dew piece of Trident gum you've been chewing for 6 hours

Sure, it's fresh starting out with a few brief, intriguing moments that capture your attention. Then everything goes stale and suddenly you're on the sidelines not giving a damn as you get blown out by UTEP.

Louisiana-Lafayette: Mountain Dew Tabasco Sauce

Cajun dude: "Tellyawhatthisgonbeaperfectrouxfordagumbo"

You: Do what now

Cajun dude: *chugs bottle*

Cajun dude: *morphs into giant defensive lineman that knocks you straight into an alligator's mouth*

Texas State -  Mountain Dew overrated burrito place from college

Let's be honest. For most of their history they've put out a mediocre product and have put on a clinic in bad marketing and mismanagement but they've stayed in business anyway because it's a college football program burrito place in Texas a college town.

You still swear by the place partly because there was that one really good year where they had an awesome manager who gave you extra steak and queso and there was that one time where you and your friends all came in high and it was the best thing you'd ever tasted. You also keep going there because you want no part of McDonalds or Burger King.

Even though they just renovated the restaurant and their burritos are slowly improving, nobody will go with you anymore after graduation and yes this might be getting a bit personal what of it?

Georgia State: Mountain Dew Blue Screen of Death

Sure, you may have figured out a way to get Outlook working/put up 200 passing yards on Georgia Southern, but whenever you really start to get anywhere everything just self destructs.

"Wait, how can you bottle a Mountain Dew flavor based on a taste that doesn't exist?" you ask.

Well, if a game is played in the Georgia Dome and nobody shows up to watch, did the game ever really exist?

UCF: Mountain Dew Jolt Cola

There was that one time everyone liked Jolt better than Dr. Pepper, then the brand kind of fell off the face of the earth.

UCONN: Mountain Dew Extreme Jenkem

No. Not even once.